It has been a while, but I will try to catch everyone up. This summer, after I finished 3 months of 27/7 work, I was so wound up, that I had a hard time returning to submission. To make matters worse, my family generally runs on nerves and stress and we are compulsive workaholics. My step-mother says my Dad, sister and I have a genetic predisposition to stress and anxiety. She mentioned this summer, that I might benefit from a mild anti-anxiety medication. I thought about this for a month or two, and decided to give buspirone a try.

Since this summer, E and I have only played very infrequently, as I was so wound up, that I was having a very hard time relaxing and submitting. As the scene would get more intense, I would not let go and let the endorphins flow. As a result, I never reached subspace and unable to transcend the pain. At one point I told E, that I did not want to play anymore, since I was not getting anything from it.

I have been on the buspirone for about a month and a half now, and on this past Saturday, E and I went down to the club for a play party.  Before going down we agreed to try some light play, the first since I started the buspirone.  The first thing I noticed was how much more relaxed I was, and able to get into a better mindset of where I was and what I was doing.  We only played for a little while, and much lighter than we had before, as I started to react much sooner than I ever have before.  Using only the heavy suede flogger, the riding crop, and the small wooden spoon, I soon found myself out of it.  E stopped when she says I started to curl up in the fetal position, and start dry sobbing.

We are not sure what this reaction means in terms of my headspace.  I do know that when she stopped I was not exactly coherient, but later, we talked about it.  We think that that may have been me entering subspace, and releasing some of the emotion that I too often keep pent up inside, or it could be my body’s way of saying stop, we are not sure.  But next time, I think we will keep going after I start to react and see if it is me entering subspace or not.  This is not the first time we have seen this reaction from me, but in the past, it used to take much heavier play to bring it on.  So she would normally stop at that point, and we have never pushed it.   E said she was going to ask some D’s if they have any ideas of what it might be, and after we get some opinions, we may try to push past it next time.

Until next time,

Hersforever