03.21.08
Male Orgasm Denial and Selfish Altruism
Posted in BDSM, Domination, Love & Sex, Loving Female Authority, Submission, kink, submissive at 9:21 am by hersforever
In a Female Led Relationship, male orgasm denial is one of the woman’s more powerful tools. She controls sexual access for the man, and in situations where a chastity device is used, she effectively controls all forms of sexual access. It can be used as a motivator, punishment, a reminder of status, and in some cases, even as a reward. But at the end of the day, do the behaviors and actions this methodology create lead to true submission, or just selfish altruism?
Selfish altruism is the idea that there is no true “selfless altruism.” Selfish altruism argues that we behave in an altruistic manner to gain benefits in the future. That by acting in an apparent selfless way, we will gain back a benefit equal or greater to the current act though gratitude.
Sex is a powerful male driver. We are hardwired to to maximize our reproductive potential. An easy way to see this drive in a physical sense, is to compare the testicle size of all the major great apes. At the bottom end of the spectrum are gorillas, who have little to no competition within the troop for sexual access, due to their social structure of one male to many females in the troop. Orangutans have the next largest testicle size, and again their social structure helps to reduce the competition between males for the same female during estrus. The ape with the largest testicles are the chimps, who have large mixed troops, and when a female enters estrus, all of the males in the troop will try to mate with her. Humans, have the second largest testicle size after the chimps. This may indicate that we will tend to pair-bond, but still have a drive to mate with as many females as possible.
FLR writers are well aware of this drive, and often remind readers that as soon as the man achieves orgasm, they are hardwired to roll over, and go to sleep. Their argument is that by keeping the man in a constant state of arousal, his focus becomes more and more intensified on his woman. This focus manifests itself in submission, doing all that she asks eagerly and anticipating her needs and desires, in an attempt to show that he is worthy of fathering her children. Putting this in other words, the submissive man, while undergoing orgasm denial will become more submissive and apparently altruistic towards his woman in the relationship, not selflessly, but rather as a means to achieve orgasm.
Hersforever
Tom Allen said,
March 21, 2008 at 12:09 pm
FLR writers are well aware of this drive, and often remind readers that as soon as the man achieves orgasm, they are hardwired to roll over, and go to sleep.
Which makes me think that many FLR writers are lazy – either in their personal lives or in their thinking. They are repeating an often told adage which seems to justify their own situation, even though it may not be the truth. Yes, an orgasm might mean a temporary lapse in sexually related feelings, but men who simply roll over and go to sleep obviously need a little more exercise.
Look, if you want to kink over orgasm denial, go right ahead. But using the excuse “I need to be denied or else I’ll stop being attentive” is self-serving and ultimately manipulative.
hersforever said,
March 21, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Tom –
Thank you for your comments.
Of course it is manipulative. But remember that all forms of D/s relationships are consensual. It there by follows that the manipulation is consensual between both parties, and part of the dynamic of the relationship.
I am not saying this because orgasm denial is a large part of my relationship with E. We have discussed it, and she feels that I am happier without this dynamic taken to the level that other people do. She feels that my submission comes from other places inside of me.
However, I did want to write some of my thoughts on this, as I come across this idea all the time on other blogs and FLR sites, and it tugged on my antho/sociological background.
Tom Allen said,
March 23, 2008 at 3:24 pm
But remember that all forms of D/s relationships are consensual. It there by follows that the manipulation is consensual between both parties, and part of the dynamic of the relationship.
Oooohhhh – I’m afraid I have to disagree on this point.
People are funny. A lot of men in the chastity community have repeated this urban legend that they can only maintain a sense of attentiveness while locked up and denied that it’s become a truism. That doesn’t, however, make it factual. What I see happening – and please note that I’m not saying that you, yourself, are doing this – is that some men take this to heart and by the virtue of wanting it to be true, act on it as if it were. I see this as a manipulation of the truth because their partner is not necessarily on board.
For example, how many blogs, message boards, etc., have you read in which a man goes on about how much he goes out of his way to give his wife backrubs, get her tea, whatever, while locked up in order to reinforce the mythology? He’s trying to get across the idea that this is a necessary factor of being denied.
I’m not arguing that no attentive behavior results from chastity. Being aroused makes most of us more attentive, of course. I’m saying that I believe that most men intentionally exaggerate the effect in order to promote their own agenda.
hersforever said,
March 24, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Tom –
I’m saying that I believe that most men intentionally exaggerate the effect in order to promote their own agenda.
Okay, I see where you are coming from. I agree with this completely, and it plays into my idea of selfish altruism, where men use their perception of chastity and behaviors they think it promotes to achieve their own ends.
susanspet said,
April 10, 2008 at 4:07 am
The attempt at trying to be selfless is self-defeating, because it manifests selfishness. That is why I am weary of submissive males’ claim that they do it all for the female’s benefit, and expect no reward. There is always an expectation of a reward in this situation. Even a heroic act, such as giving one’s life to save another can be considered selfish simply because the hero wants the target of his act to survive. As such, he is being selfish. I try not to dwell on this too much, for it tends to cause a temporary meltdown of my little gray cells.
About the tease and denial aspect, it can be power game. A horny male is more willing to take chances, humiliate himself, or to go out of his way to get sexual gratification, as opposed to a male who had just orgasmed. But in the grand scheme of things, a woman controlling a man via tease and denial is playing straight into the hands (or fantasy) of the man. If or when it works, everybody is happy. The thing is, it does not work every time, or in every case. Also, some women don’t feel like doing it.
andrew said,
May 13, 2008 at 12:21 pm
For f***’s sake it’s only sex. If your both happy and getting something out of it who really cares what the motives are. Personally I love being denied and my partner loves doing the denying.
She gets loads more orgasms not because I’m more attentive but because she’s turned on by our play and demands oral, which I love giving, and I get more attention but less orgasms which suits me cos I love the feeling of virtualy permanent arousal.