I am not a pain slut, I am not a masochist, but I do reach subspace through pain.

On Thursday night, E and I played for the first time in months. Ever since E told me she felt I was ready for her collar, I have felt more submissive. I have also spent more time thinking on my submission, and reading about other sub’s submission. As you may have noticed, I have spent a lot more time writing to this blog than before.

Well, on Thursday, after I got home from work, I talked to E about what I have been reading and thinking about. She smiled at me, and told me she was both happy and proud of me. For a while now, after I get home, I have been spending most of the evening on my computer, with the exception of making dinner for us. But ever since that eventful night, I have been spending my evenings next to her on the couch, just trying to be near her, wanting her soft touch on my head and body. To just be held and comforted by her.

So after dinner, she looked at me and asked if there was anything I wanted to that night, since there was nothing interesting on TV. I looked up at her, and asked “Can we play a little tonight?” She smiled and said that she would love to, and that she wanted me to go upstairs to our bedroom and get a shower ready for her.

We often shower together, and it is a special time for us. I help her scrub down with body wash, and ex foliate her skin, getting places that she has a hard time doing herself. She also helps me by helping me shave, and will often scrub my psoriasis to help remove the excess skin I develop.

After our shower, she had me lay down on the bed, and began to get all of our impact play toys. Our floggers, riding crop, paddle and spoon, and finally her rattan cane. She began slowly with the floggers and over the course of about an hour, she worked up to the cane. Now if you have never been hit with a cane, let me try to describe the sensation. When used on the fleshy part of the butt, the cane can be a light sting to a white-hot searing pain that fades with a warm glow. If you want serious pain, I have not yet found anything that matches the cane across your thighs where you thighs and butt meet.

After 45 minutes or so, while E used the floggers, wooden paddle, and spoons, I began to feel floaty and and a little cold all over, which for me is a sign of major endorphins running all though my body. I know that when I start giggling after an impact, that I am passing into subspace. Now, while I am in subspace, pain looses its intensity, and I tend to feel like I am floating along in a haze. Only one thing cuts through the fog, and that is the cane.

Even when I am firmly in subspace, the cane can bring me right back to ground, especially when the impacts are less than ten to fifteen seconds apart. If they are longer, then each impact in absorbed by the fog, and I will continue to float, but then they come closer together, each one builds off the last, and until all I am aware of is a searing white hot intense pain across the point of impact. During this nothing else matters, it is my entire existence. The movements that my body makes, and the sounds that I make are completely beyond my conscious control.

In the past, I have tended to safeword around this time, but Thursday during the initial impacts of that sadistic implement, I fully submitted. I told myself that “she is done, when she feels I am done, her decision not mine.” After a few strikes, E stopped checked in with me, and asked if I wanted to safeword. I managed to mumble out, that it was her decision on when to stop, and that I have no say in the matter. I remember E smiling at me, and said “Okay, I want to push your limits a little.” She then asked “How long does it take for the pain to fade from each hit?” And I told her about 10 to 15 seconds. The then began to strike me firmly first once every 15 seconds and then began to increase the frequency up to one strike every 5 seconds. I am not sure how many times she kept up that pace, as all I was aware off by then was the pain coursing though me.

Suddenly it was over, and I was left floating in a reddish haze, my body twitching. And then very carefully, she covered me with a blanket, and got into bed and began to hold me close to her.

The pain is not something I like in of itself, but the time when she holds me after she is done, is one of the best times of my life. As the pain fades to a glow, I feel content, protected, and loved. I want to climb inside of her and be enveloped by her warmth. This time more than others, I feel my submission deep inside of me, and I am happy that I can make her happy.

The length of our aftercare varies, and often on a weekend, it might last equal to or more than the length of the impact play itself, but on a week night, when I have to work in the morning, it is a little briefer. With E spending the time to make sure I am okay, and bring me back a little from the deep subspace she has elevated me too.

So I have come to the realization that the pain itself is not what I like, rather, I view it as a conduit or road for me to travel to reach the place inside of myself that long to be.

hersforever