Last night, E and I had a good conversation.  Two days ago, I asked E if we could play, but she told me she was not feeling well, and we would see.  In the end, we did not play, but she told me that we would this week.  Last night, she still was not feeling well, but she let me cuddle her as she petted me.

I found this just as rewarding as any other scene, since I know that some of my desire to play is a deep desire for attention.  It does not need to be impact, wax, fire, or needles to be satisfying, and I found myself trying to cuddle so close and to get inside of her(figuratively, not sexually), to be one with her, and let her love and commitment to me wash over and into me.

One big advantage of cuddling, is that it gives us time to talk without interruptions.  She told me that she wants me to continue to work on my communication.  I know that this is something I need to work on, as I am still very much a prude in a lot of ways.  My family upbringing did not encourage sex or discussion of sex.  For example, I have a very difficult time talking about what i want.  It will be in my head clearly, but getting my mouth to form the words takes a lot of effort.

E mentioned that she had posted on a forum asking for Lazy Domme ideas.  Somethings she can do, when she does not feel well.  One of the responses she got was humiliation.  But this is something we have not done yet, as she does not know what would work in a scene but not damage my psyche outside of the scene.  She knows that some subjects won’t work on me very well.  Especially the things I endured in Middle School, (e.g. penis size) as I have build up defenses to those, so she asked me what I thought would humiliate me.  The first thing that came to my mind clearly was “If you tell me that you have been unsatisfied with all of our sexual activities.  That you had been faking things for years.”  But for several minutes all I could say was: “If you tell me…uh…” Take a deep breath, “If you tell me…uh….”  I eventually got it out, and hugged me, and kissed my forehead.

Then told me that she was was proud of me, but wanted me to continue to work on my communication.  And one way I can do that is by writing every day about what I am thinking about.  This can be on the blog, or a written paper journal or anything I felt comfortable with.

I will try to put some of these things here on the blog, and I may keep a paper journal as well.  I want to improve myself, so that we can continue down our road together and not get knocked off course by speed bumps!