We went to the OBGYN last friday.  E is at 16 weeks, and we were able to hear heartbeat better today.  Thankfully, there is only one…I don’t know if I could handle twins.  We scheduled an ultra-sound and soon should have a picture of the munchkin.  Hopefully, everything looks good.

Hey everyone,

Well, the busy summer is over, and I am finally home for another year.  This year was the longest away from yet, at four months and eleven days on the road.  There are times when I wonder why I put myself though it….

E and I are pregnant.  Is has taken over 2 years, but it finally happened.  So now we starting to get things done around the house to get ready.  Two weeks ago we finally had a garage sale, to get rid of things we had not used for over 1 year, since we needed to clear out the room we had set aside for the baby.  Until now, this room had been an extra storage space.  I am also in the process of remodeling our master bath, and that should be done by the end of the weekend.

As for D/s, thinks are hard to do while I am traveling, the constant hotels and driving leave me very tired, and due to the nature of the work, I find myself totally absorbed in the work, with no time to think of anything else.  Even when E travels with me, which she does when I am in the Northwest, we are both tired and so not much happens.

For example, E brought with her our needles, but we never had a chance to play with them, since a flogger may not work too well in a hotel room where someone might call the police…:)  It is hard to keep the mindset going, but I try in small ways, deferring to E whenever I can.

Now we are at home, but due the pregnancy, a lot of days E does not feel well, so anything intimate gets pushed off.  When she is nauseous, I don’t want to ask for anything, since I want her to have fun, and being sick is not fun.  We will see as we get further into the pregnancy if she begins to feel better,  I hope for her sake that she does.

Well, that it for now, but I will be back soon!  Talk to you all later!

In my last post I mentioned that E and I are poly.  In case you are wondering, poly is short for polyamorous.  The idea that you can love, have a deep emotional and sexual attachment to more than one person at a time.

Generally, many poly households are more egalitarian in nature than a D/s household.  What is okay for one member is okay for the others, and no one is locked into locked into monogamy if they do not wish it.

However, I have struggled somewhat with this inside of a D/s framework.  Basically, while E is free to have relationships, vanilla or kinky outside of our relationship, do I, as a sub have the same freedom?  So my delema is that while we both associate ourselves as poly, if E says that I am not to have any other relationships, then am I still poly, or am I a cuckolded sub?

Now I am not completely cuckolded.  E has told me it is okay for me to have sex with others if here is no emotional attachment and it is a time time thing, but to me this is too much like swinging, and not in the spirit of poly.  As a result, this is not something I have pursued.

I have not yet found an answer to this, and perhaps it will come with time.

Hey Everyone,

Sorry I have not written in a while.  Work has stayed busy, and I just keep forgetting to write.  So far, not much as changed.  E and I are still D/s, the economy has crashed, and the holidays are comming up.

E and I have been poly for about four years, and I keep meaning to write on some of the issues that I see regarding poly and D/s.  I am still trying to find answers to questions, and have not come to any definitive conclusions yet, so I have hesitated to write anything yet.  Hopefully, I can put some of my thoughts to paper soon!

I hope you are having a good holiday, and that the economic downturn is not hitting you to hard!

Hersforever.

I am always amazed at the disconnect many people seem to have when it comes to 24/7 D/s relationships.  Now, I am not saying what E and I practice is the rule.  In fact, we will be the first to say that each couple defines what D/s, TPE and FLR is to them, but I think that what we practice is both common and safe and sustaining.

Yesterday, E showed me a post on a Femdom forum by a man who has entered in to a FLR relationship with his wife.  From the post, this was something he as asked her to try, and they had bought some “Handbooks” off the internet.  His question to community was if he could talk to her about a punishment she had administered.  She had used a bull-whip on him, and not being skilled with the whip, had wrapped the whip around waist and kidneys and broken the skin.  He wanted to know if he could tell her how much it hurt, and that he did not feel comfortable with her using a bull-whip on him.  He had read in their “handbooks” that he should never “complain” about punishment because it would undermine her authority.  Thankfully, most of the replies to his post told him yes, he can talk to her about it.

Another common post that I see at D/s sites is “Can I be a slave if I work as a _______” Overwhelmingly, the answer is yes.  D/s is what we each make it.  Most slaves do NOT spend every minutes of their life chained in cage in the basement only allowed out at the Domme’s discretion.  This is a great scene, but not very realistic in terms of a 24/7 relationship.  While this idea is often the slaves fantasy, most Dommes do not find this attractive.  They would rather have their slave working, if for no other reason than to bring in income for them!

In our household, I still get up everyday and go to work.  When I come come I have chores to do, bills to pay, and dinner to cook.  While I might be doing all of my chores wearing only boxers and my leather collar, when we go out I put on vanilla clothes.  The biggest difference between our household and that of my vanilla friends is that I do not make the final decision in anything.  I can give my input and opinion, and E will consider it, but the final decision rests with her.  If she chooses she can disregard my opinion completely, but in actuality, she rarely does.  She understands that I am just as important to the relationship, and that by listening to and respecting my opinions I don’t feel marginalized or objectified.  Her responsibility to me is to respect, love, protect, and make decisions that benefit both her and me.  Just as my responsibility to her is to accept her authority, and do everything in my power to make her happy.  If she tells me to do something I don’t want to do, I know that she is telling me to do it in order to help me grow as her sub/slave.

I feel that too many people don’t spend to much time really talking to their Domme/Partner and try to rush into a relationship dynamic based too much on the fantasy and not common sense.  For example, in the first post, he actually bought the bull-whip for her to punish him with knowing she had no experience or skill with it.  Not only could she do very serious damage to him, but also to herself!  In the second post, the poster had the idea that to be a good sub/slave he needed to spend every minute of every day with his Mistress.  That he would have to give up everything in his life to become her sub/slave.  In my humble opinion, being a sub/slave is mostly about a mindset and a way of living life.  For most of us, it is not trying to live a fantasy that is best expressed in a scene.

So, if you are new to D/s, TPE, and FLR, my advice is to read!  Get knowledgeable about what you want, and is practical.  Learn that D/s, M/s, and every other form is power exchange is what you make it, that there are no set rules, only the rules that make you happy.

Last night, E and I had a good conversation.  Two days ago, I asked E if we could play, but she told me she was not feeling well, and we would see.  In the end, we did not play, but she told me that we would this week.  Last night, she still was not feeling well, but she let me cuddle her as she petted me.

I found this just as rewarding as any other scene, since I know that some of my desire to play is a deep desire for attention.  It does not need to be impact, wax, fire, or needles to be satisfying, and I found myself trying to cuddle so close and to get inside of her(figuratively, not sexually), to be one with her, and let her love and commitment to me wash over and into me.

One big advantage of cuddling, is that it gives us time to talk without interruptions.  She told me that she wants me to continue to work on my communication.  I know that this is something I need to work on, as I am still very much a prude in a lot of ways.  My family upbringing did not encourage sex or discussion of sex.  For example, I have a very difficult time talking about what i want.  It will be in my head clearly, but getting my mouth to form the words takes a lot of effort.

E mentioned that she had posted on a forum asking for Lazy Domme ideas.  Somethings she can do, when she does not feel well.  One of the responses she got was humiliation.  But this is something we have not done yet, as she does not know what would work in a scene but not damage my psyche outside of the scene.  She knows that some subjects won’t work on me very well.  Especially the things I endured in Middle School, (e.g. penis size) as I have build up defenses to those, so she asked me what I thought would humiliate me.  The first thing that came to my mind clearly was “If you tell me that you have been unsatisfied with all of our sexual activities.  That you had been faking things for years.”  But for several minutes all I could say was: “If you tell me…uh…” Take a deep breath, “If you tell me…uh….”  I eventually got it out, and hugged me, and kissed my forehead.

Then told me that she was was proud of me, but wanted me to continue to work on my communication.  And one way I can do that is by writing every day about what I am thinking about.  This can be on the blog, or a written paper journal or anything I felt comfortable with.

I will try to put some of these things here on the blog, and I may keep a paper journal as well.  I want to improve myself, so that we can continue down our road together and not get knocked off course by speed bumps!

Well, it was a long summer but I am finally back at home.  From now until April, all of my business trips will be one day, or at most an overnight.

Back at home, I am having an easier time re-entering my sub mindset.  Last year, I had a very hard time readjusting after returning from the summer.  After four months of being on my own, in control, and working twelve to sixteen hours a day seven days of week, I had rebelled against giving up my freedom again.

This year, I have been able to put my collar back on, take a deep breath, and feel contented.  I still need my leather collar.  Before I left for the summer, Mistress and I picked out a heavy silver snake chain necklace for me to be my permanent collar.  We still need to have the clasp changed from a lobster clasp to something that locks, but even so, it is still symbolic.  I have been wearing necklaces for over fifteen years before I began D/s, so most of the day I don’t feel it on my neck.  My leather collar, I feel that.  It is tighter across my neck, and is much wider so that whenever I turn my head, I can feel the leather pressing against my throat.  I can feel the weight of the buckle against my collar bone, and that feeling helps me fine balance within myself.

Last week, I told E about a woman I saw in a store.  I felt I had to tell her because of the reaction I had to this woman.  This woman was cute, not pretty, but the moment I saw her, I had an intense sexual attraction.  She was about 5′ 5″ average build, but it was how she was dressed that I reacted to.  She was a mix of goth and white trash, and .  Her hair was dyed very close to black and put up on her head, she has multiple piercings, nose, eyebrow, lip, and her makeup while not true dark goth, was still darker than most people would wear.

When I told E about the event.  She asked me if I was attracted to piercings.  I told the truth, and said yes.  She looked at me, and then told me that she would be willing to get a genital piercing if I was willing to get a tattoo showing her ownership of me.

Now, we have talked about tattooing before.  I am not opposed to the idea, but I have had some concerns about the process.  I have psoriasis, and have had it since middle school.  I now have about 15 to 20% of my body covered with the stuff.  I know from past experience that if I get a cut, or abrasion on my skin, I am more likely to develop a new patch of psoriasis at that location.  Since tattooing traumatizes the skin, I have been worried about causing a new outbreak.  But since this last discussion, I have done more research on tattoos and psoriasis, and it appears to have a low rate of causing new outbreaks.  Especially if you follow the aftercare procedures.

So I have been looking for tattoo ideas online…

Everyone,

I have not forgotten about you, or about my blog, but I must admit that things will be slow until the end of the summer.  My job has me traveling and working about 18 hours a day for the next four months or so.  As I have time, I will try to post, but I am finding that at the end of each day, all I want to do is call E, and listen to some music and sleep…

So please be patient, and I will write again…

Hersforever

Well I am back home in the Northwest again.  Sorry I have not written, but I was on a business trip last week through the southern and central San Joaquin valley in California.  If you have been reading my posts, you may have noticed that I spend most of the summer traveling for work, and this was the first trip of this year.

When I flew in last night it was snowing.  E picked me up at the airport and took me out to dinner, since I was not able to get anything to eat before my flight left Sacramento.  She dressed up for me, and put on her trashiest clothing and put on more makeup than usual for me.  I am finding that I like her a little trashy. smile

After a nice dinner, we headed home, and I started a fire in the living room, and E allowed me to rub her feet.  The more I rub her feet, the more I find it helps me to center myself and allow my submission to bloom.  I am not sure why it is, but sitting on the floor at her feet and carefully rubbing her feet returns me to my  submissive mindset.

My job requires me to be a type A personality, and portray a chauvinistic male machismo.  There are few women working at the upper levels, and a lot of woman working at the minimum wage level, so there is an unspoken feeling of male superiority throughout the industry.  When I travel, I flip into this mindset, and I find that giving E a foot rub on my return returns me to where I want to be mentally.

After a good foot rub, we headed into the bedroom to snuggle and be close.  I love to be next to her, with my head against her breasts with my head angled back, exposing my throat and collar to her.  For years, I did not like snuggling, and I felt uncomfortable.  During that time, she wanted to put her head on my chest and be comforted.  I think I was uncomfortable because I subconsciously wanted to be the one being comforted not giving the comfort.  Now, as I lie next to her with my neck exposed, and she softly pets my head, I feel a deep contentment and I relax in her love and acceptance.

I am not a pain slut, I am not a masochist, but I do reach subspace through pain.

On Thursday night, E and I played for the first time in months. Ever since E told me she felt I was ready for her collar, I have felt more submissive. I have also spent more time thinking on my submission, and reading about other sub’s submission. As you may have noticed, I have spent a lot more time writing to this blog than before.

Well, on Thursday, after I got home from work, I talked to E about what I have been reading and thinking about. She smiled at me, and told me she was both happy and proud of me. For a while now, after I get home, I have been spending most of the evening on my computer, with the exception of making dinner for us. But ever since that eventful night, I have been spending my evenings next to her on the couch, just trying to be near her, wanting her soft touch on my head and body. To just be held and comforted by her.

So after dinner, she looked at me and asked if there was anything I wanted to that night, since there was nothing interesting on TV. I looked up at her, and asked “Can we play a little tonight?” She smiled and said that she would love to, and that she wanted me to go upstairs to our bedroom and get a shower ready for her.

We often shower together, and it is a special time for us. I help her scrub down with body wash, and ex foliate her skin, getting places that she has a hard time doing herself. She also helps me by helping me shave, and will often scrub my psoriasis to help remove the excess skin I develop.

After our shower, she had me lay down on the bed, and began to get all of our impact play toys. Our floggers, riding crop, paddle and spoon, and finally her rattan cane. She began slowly with the floggers and over the course of about an hour, she worked up to the cane. Now if you have never been hit with a cane, let me try to describe the sensation. When used on the fleshy part of the butt, the cane can be a light sting to a white-hot searing pain that fades with a warm glow. If you want serious pain, I have not yet found anything that matches the cane across your thighs where you thighs and butt meet.

After 45 minutes or so, while E used the floggers, wooden paddle, and spoons, I began to feel floaty and and a little cold all over, which for me is a sign of major endorphins running all though my body. I know that when I start giggling after an impact, that I am passing into subspace. Now, while I am in subspace, pain looses its intensity, and I tend to feel like I am floating along in a haze. Only one thing cuts through the fog, and that is the cane.

Even when I am firmly in subspace, the cane can bring me right back to ground, especially when the impacts are less than ten to fifteen seconds apart. If they are longer, then each impact in absorbed by the fog, and I will continue to float, but then they come closer together, each one builds off the last, and until all I am aware of is a searing white hot intense pain across the point of impact. During this nothing else matters, it is my entire existence. The movements that my body makes, and the sounds that I make are completely beyond my conscious control.

In the past, I have tended to safeword around this time, but Thursday during the initial impacts of that sadistic implement, I fully submitted. I told myself that “she is done, when she feels I am done, her decision not mine.” After a few strikes, E stopped checked in with me, and asked if I wanted to safeword. I managed to mumble out, that it was her decision on when to stop, and that I have no say in the matter. I remember E smiling at me, and said “Okay, I want to push your limits a little.” She then asked “How long does it take for the pain to fade from each hit?” And I told her about 10 to 15 seconds. The then began to strike me firmly first once every 15 seconds and then began to increase the frequency up to one strike every 5 seconds. I am not sure how many times she kept up that pace, as all I was aware off by then was the pain coursing though me.

Suddenly it was over, and I was left floating in a reddish haze, my body twitching. And then very carefully, she covered me with a blanket, and got into bed and began to hold me close to her.

The pain is not something I like in of itself, but the time when she holds me after she is done, is one of the best times of my life. As the pain fades to a glow, I feel content, protected, and loved. I want to climb inside of her and be enveloped by her warmth. This time more than others, I feel my submission deep inside of me, and I am happy that I can make her happy.

The length of our aftercare varies, and often on a weekend, it might last equal to or more than the length of the impact play itself, but on a week night, when I have to work in the morning, it is a little briefer. With E spending the time to make sure I am okay, and bring me back a little from the deep subspace she has elevated me too.

So I have come to the realization that the pain itself is not what I like, rather, I view it as a conduit or road for me to travel to reach the place inside of myself that long to be.

hersforever