February 21, 2007
Down with the Crud
I am very sorry to everyone, about not getting anything posted for the last couple of days, but I have been down with the crud, and have not really had a chance to put anything down on paper. Hopefully, in a day or two I can post something more meaningful.
February 16, 2007
Another Day & BDSM on ER?
Well, it is getting easier to stay in a submissive mindset thankfully. I am finding it easier and easier to stay in a submissive mindset, and keep E’s wants and desires foremost in my mind. I still occasionally, and I don’t expect them to go away completely, have moments where I get grouchy, and don’t feel very submissive. But now, after a month, it is beginning to become habitual. This is good, and something I want to happen, because it is much easier when it becomes habit, rather than a conscious thought I must keep in the forefront of my mind.
E also apologized the other day, saying she was sorry that she has not been as “Dommly” as she could be. But I understand that there are days she does not feel good, and so she feels less dominant than others. But overall, she is becoming more comfortable and confident in her role.
We were watching ER last night, and were surprised by the BDSM subplot NBC introduced. However, we were a little put out by the way in which NBC choose to depict BDSM. They chose two of the most least likeable characters to begin a D/s relationship, using a common theme of the strong prick wanting to be dominated by a younger less senior colleague. It will be interesting to see where NBC chooses to go with this, and how they will depict this relationship thought out the season. But even as we might have disagreed with their choice of characters, it was still amusing to see facets of our relationship depicted on prime time TV.
February 13, 2007
Masochist: Nature or Nurture?
E ran across a thread on an online bulletin board, which asked the question, is masochism a product of nature or nurture? She asked me what I thought. It might seem like a cop-out but I think that it is a blend of both, and I will try to explain why.
First the argument that masochism is derived from nature. Recent studies have shown that the pain and pleasure centers of the brain are very closely connected. A resent study in 2002 at the Harvard Medical School showed that when exposed to a painful stimulus, the brain reacted in the pain centers and released endorphins to help the subject manage the pain. But just prior to the release of the endorphins, they also saw the pleassure centers of the brain being activated.
It has also been shown in studies, that pain and pleasure can be mixed in the brain using classical behavior training techniques. Similar to the Pavlov’s Dog experiment, where a bell was rung every time a dog was fed. After a while, when the bell rang, the dog began to salivate regardless if food was available or not. This method can be used to associate pain and pleasure. By mixing a painful sensations with a pleasurable sensations, the two feelings can be intermixed, and eventually, only the painful sensation needs to be applied for the masochist to feel pleasure.
There is also a strong augment that nurture plays a major role in the masochist’s enjoyment of pain. As I look more deeply into D/s, and TPE, I see a strong similarity to a parent/child relationship, even if age play is not involved. The Dom is in many similar to a parent, with total and absolute control over their child / sub. I feel that people who grew up in a household with strong parental figures either are comforted by theses figures or they rebel, and look for the opposite.
Some people have tried to put a correlation between corporal punishment as a child and enjoying pain as an adult. While this makes sense to me, and I think it plays a role in my masochism, many other people reject this idea totally. Asserting instead that for many of them certain play, which takes them back to their childhood, is unacceptable, and disturbing.
For me, however, I think that the pain and desire to submit to the pain is part of a desire to return to my childhood, where a strong figure controlled my life, decided what was in my best interest, and worked to mold me into a better person.
That being said, there is a difference in pain used for discipline and pain used in play. Pain used as a discipline tool, is not enjoyable in the sense that pain in play is. During Disipline, the knowledge that I let down my Mistress changes my perception, and I do not want to repeat this pain. Instead, I submit trusting that Mistress has my best interest in mind and is trying to make me a better person.
These are just a few thoughts, and I will continue my research into the environmental and biological underpinnings of masochism as we go forward.
February 7, 2007
A Day in the Life
I was given an assignment the other night. To write down my submissive fantasy, so E can see if we can incorporate some/all of it into our daily lives. So I will attempt to put some ideas down so E has a better idea of things that I want. One of her biggest concerns is being able to overcome her fears of being a “bitch.” Hopefully this will help her find ways to be the “bitch” I want her to be.
A Normal Day:
Get up and do my normal morning routine:
Remove my leather collar
Shower & Shave
Apply my topical medication (I have psoriasis).
Get dressed, following any orders from the previous night, such as not wearing underwear or wearing woman’s panties.
Leave for work:
Work:
Call and check in around noon, to see how my mistress is doing and see if she has any thing she needs me to do that afternoon.
Leave work and come home:
Complete any errands I have been assigned
If I have permission, stop and get anything I need for one of my hobbies (e.g. beer brewing supplies, computer supplies, backpacking supplies)
Return Home:
Remove my work clothes and put on my leather collar
Put on any/no clothes as directed.
Dinner:
Sit at Mistress feet and ask her what she would like me to maker her for dinner.
Cook dinner, and bring it to Mistress
Eat dinner at Mistress’s feet
When dinner is done, take Mistress’s dishes and clean the dishes and the kitchen
Chores:
Begin any assigned chores
Clean & Vacuum assigned rooms
This could be one room a day or even a section of Mistress’s house
Garbage / recycling
Any other chores assigned by Mistress
Assists Mistress with any projects:
Floggers / whips / canes / etc.
A little free time to watch TV / spend time on the computer:
Play time if the Mistress wants to play:
Orgasm denial with nightly teasing
11:30 – 12:30 pm:
Head to bed for the night in Mistress’s bed
Things that we do occasionally or on weekends:
Sleep at the foot of Mistress’s bed
Sleep tied in the closet with a leash on my collar.
Volunteer / play at the SPCC
Verbal Humiliation
CBT / Impact Play / Wax Play / Light to Heavy Bondage / Watersports
Any other play Mistress wants
I will edit this post as things change or I have more ideas of what I want our daily lives to look like. Of course these are all just my ideas to be considered by Mistress. She makes the final decision on the who / what/where / and why in my life.
Stay safe, sane, and consensual.
February 5, 2007
Fire and Ice
We played with wax and ice last night. Very delicious! Wax is quite different than the impact toys that we have been playing with, in that the sensations are much more concentrated in their intensity. A flogger has that thuddy feeling, which as the tails slide off my back after impact, give me the shivers along with the glow of the impact. A cane is stingier but still it is a short sharp sting with a long warm glow afterward. But wax, on the other hand, hits you skin and begins to cool, a little river of fire flowing downhill, until it cools enough to solidify.
Our soy candle melts at such a low temperature, that I hardly feel any heat as the wax impacts my skin. We start with this because it lets me get my mind into the proper mindset without the sensation being to intense. Another soy candle, a scented one, burns hotter, and this is next, a warm river running down my shoulder blades and back.
Next, is the white candle. This one, E must watch and start with it high over my back, as it burns much hotter, and if I am not ready, will burn. As she slowly brings this candle lower and closer to my back, the little drops of wax each take on a heightened level of sensation. After we have played with this candle, we have some tea-lights, which burn hotter than the white candle. If I am not into subspace by the time we finish with the white candle, the tea-light definitely puts me there.
As we move along, E takes breaks with the wax, and runs ice cubes over my back, butt, and thighs. The coldness of the ice in contrast to the heat of the wax feels great. The ice is also good to have in case the wax pools too much, and starts to burn my skin too much.
I really like the wax, as it does not take a lot of physical effort by E to do, and I can get into subspace much quicker than with our other impact toys. I have also mentioned to E, that I would like to do a needle-play tasting. This is something we might be able to try at the club sometime. I have heard that needle play can be similar to wax in its concentrated sensations, umm yum!
Stay sane, stay safe, stay consensual.
The Road to Self Understanding 